Mad Thoughts

The buzz of electricity filled the silence of the sterile white room. The lights flick on at 7 am everyday, minutes later the morning nurses rush in the room like a whirl wind. One is going through pill bottles collecting the right combination of antidepressants and antipsychotics. Another one rips the blanket off of Ariel and forces her to sit up. The nurse presents a tray. On it was a banana, water in a paper cup, and a bowl of oatmeal.

“Eat up so you can take your pills” one of the nurses said.

The nurse pushing the cart exited the room to move on to the next. The one that stayed sat in a chair placed in the corner of the room closest to the door. She had to sit there till Ariel finished breakfast and took her medications.

Ariel sat up and began pealing the banana “It’s Sunday, right?” The nurse nodded.

“So, people can come and visit today?” Ariel prodded. Visitors haven’t been able to come to the hospital for the past two weeks because of rowdy patients.

“As long as everyone behaves, then I don’t see why not.” The nurse answered. “Now finish eating please.”

Finishing up the last few bites of the oatmeal, Ariel reached for her cup of water.

“Don’t forget these.” The nurse placed a paper cup with an assortment of pills onto the corner of Ariels tray.

After watching Ariel swallow the pills the nurse finally exited the room, stopping at the door to say, “Rec time starts in 30 minutes and visiting hours begin immediately after.”

Ariel nodded and watched the nurse shut the door. Only after hearing the door latch did, she move from her spot on the bed. Crossing the room in a few steps, she slid open the sheet that acted as a door for the small closet. She reached in and took out a navy-blue puffer jacket, the coat she was wearing when she was admitted to the hospital. She reached inside the coat finding the rip in the inner liner where she had stuffed a napkin. Ariel pulled out the napkin and spit the pills she had not swallowed into the already existing pile of medication. Shoving the napkin back into the hole it came from, she put the jacket back on its hanger before making her way back to her spot on the bed.

A Half hour later there was a quick knock and then the heavy metal door swung open, the same nurse from earlier was waiting in front of the doorway. Ariel stood up from the spot on the bed. She straightened the plain, grey cotton shirt the hospital provided. It had fit when she was first admitted 3 weeks ago but now, the fabric hangs loosely from her body.

The first two weeks were blurry in Ariel’s mind. The pills they give her make her lose her appetite and want to sleep all day. It wasn’t until she had been here for a week that Ariel had finally earned the privilege of participating in Recreational Time; A two-hour period in the middle of the day when the nonviolent patients are allowed to talk to each other and play board games. When a girl on her floor explained to Ariel how the pills, they serve patients are to keep them complacent.

Monica, Ariel’s new friend, had been at this facility for four months. The doctors refuse to give her medical clearance to return home. So, her release date keeps being pushed back. Monica shared her learned knowledge with Ariel, she knew things other patients weren’t supposed to know because she was hooking up with one of the orderlies on the night shift. He explained to Monica that the hospital is divided into two buildings, the violent patients were kept in one and the nonviolent patients in another. Each floor of the three-story buildings specialized in certain illnesses. The floor they were on was for the tamer patients.

“So we are on the top floor of this building because we are the ‘tamer patients?’” Ariel put air quotes around the word tamer.

“Well yeah. We aren’t at risk of jumping out any windows.” Monica said very matter of fact.

“Ok. Why are you in here?” Ariel asked.

“My parents caught my boyfriend and I in the middle of doing it. Now they think I’m diseased by sin or something, so they sent me here to be cleansed.” Monica rolled her eyes. “What about you? How’d you get stuck in this hellhole?”

“I’m not even totally sure. The doctors have mentioned that the medications are supposed to stabilize me. I think they were just fed up they couldn’t control my every move.” Ariel said.

Monica nodded in understanding. “You just need to play the game.”

“What game?”

“You know. The game. You just need to find the right strategy to get you out of here.”

“I don’t know how to do that.” Ariel shook her head.

“I’ll teach you. We’ll be good friends.” A slick smile spread across Monica’s face.

The nurse walked a step behind and on the side of Ariel. “You should smile. Today is a good day for all of you guys. You’ll be able to see your family members today.” The nurse nudge Ariel with her elbow “and you might even get an update from the doctors about when you can go home.”

Ariel didn’t respond back to the nurse, instead she kept her eyes fixed on the door of the recreation room where Monica would be waiting at a table with a deck of cards. Every day was the same routine. They would play cards and exchange the minor tidbits of gossip they picked up in this place. Mostly who was getting released or who was in trouble for disobeying the nurses. Today was a bit different, Monica had hooked up with her orderly again and came to the table with new information. She had learned that he started working here to avoid being drafted into the war. She told Ariel that the man comes from a Quaker community in Pennsylvania and doesn’t believe in violence. So, the government assigned him and many of the men from his community to work in mental hospitals all over the state in low level positions. Ariel was familiar with the Quaker’s beliefs, she had befriended a few at the anti-war protest she had attended a few weeks before being admitted.

Ariel nodded along while Monica spoke, “and I asked him about the patients in other building.” She explained that the other building held the more troubled patients. Lots of the people there are locked in their rooms because of their disruptive behaviors. Many have deformities and others are more mentally challenged. The orderly explained how many of the patients have bruises from fighting the doctors and nurses. Adding, the other building is a lot louder than theirs. Often while cleaning he will here screams coming from behind heavy metal doors.

“I feel bad that the other patients are so troubled. I wonder why the scream so much.” Ariel said to no one in particular.

“I asked the same thing. Apparently, the treatments they go through are much more involved than the pills they shove down our throats.” Monica replied.

“Did you ask what the treatments were?”

“He said he doesn’t usually get to see them while they’re happening. But he often has to mop up and drain buckets of ice water. Sometimes he has to dispose of leaches when the doctors believe the disease is in the blood.” Monica explained.

Ariel shivered at the thought of leaches on her body, “Oh my goodness that sounds terrible.” Her voice trailed off as she noticed a nurse standing in the nearby corner eyeing their table.

Making eye contact with Ariel, the nurse was walking in the direction of their table. “How are we doing today ladies?” She said with an artificial smile.

“We’re good, just finishing up this round.” Monica put on a small but cheery looking smile in response. Monica was good at the game; she was a pro at putting up a front as if everything was perfect. Ariel on the other hand; she just looked at her hand of cards, nodding as Monica took the lead.

“Well finish up and put everything away when you’re done. Rec time is ending a bit early today to give the patients a bit of extra time with their visitors.” The nurse looked over both girls before walking on to another group to deliver them the same message.

Ariel and Monica cleaned up the cards and sat at their table waiting for the nurses to let the visitors in. When the visitors were finally allowed in, the sound of voices began to fill up the otherwise hushed space. Ariel could see her parents through the slim glass panes of the double doors. Suddenly she couldn’t sit still, a wave of nervousness overcame her. She watched as a nurse approached them and ushered them into a separate room. The door to the rec room opened and a different nurse walked directly up to Ariel.

“Ms. Parker would you please follow me?” The nurse posed it as a question, but Ariel knew she didn’t have a choice in the matter.

So Ariel rose from her chair, giving a quick, yet confused look to Monica before following the nurse out of the room. She was led into one of the therapy rooms. These rooms were used mainly for intake and outtake procedures. The last time Ariel was in one of these rooms her parents brought her here under the assumption of a simple conversation. A conversation that ended in Ariel screaming herself hoarse as two of the larger male nurses dragged her away. She walked in the room and saw the faces of her parents. Immediately she was enraged, but she was mindful to not show her emotion. Ariel reminded herself of the game she must play in order to be free of this miserable place. Inhaling through her nose and out through her mouth, she gave a toothy smile to both her mother and father. In response they both stood with their arms wide as she made her way into their embrace.

The doctor sitting opposite of them cleared his throat. “Welcome Ms. Parker. Thank you for joining us. Now if we could all take a seat.”

“You might be wondering why we are not in the Recreational room for this visit. Well that is because we are here to discuss your potential readiness for an early release.” The doctor said expressionless.

Ariel looked at both her parents, then her mother spoke up, “We’d like to take you home Ari. If you’re ready. Since the progress reports we have received over the last few weeks seem to show a major turnaround in your behavior.”

“Yes, and we do hope that you can now see that we had to do this for your own good. Walking around with all of those emotions, the constant up and down is not good for anyone.” Her father chimed in.

The Doctor spoke again, “So, Ms. Parker, whether you have noticed or not there has been a noticeable change in your temperament. My notes suggest that when you came in you were quite insatiable with your dramatics. The first week was hard but it seems we’ve turned a corner.” A small huff of a laugh slipped from Ariel’s mouth. “Is there something you’d like to say Ms. Parker?”

“Nope. I have nothing to add.” Ariel had to put effort into keeping her thoughts to herself.

“Are you sure you wouldn’t like to say something. We all are here because we care about your feelings.” At this, Ariel shook her head. “What was that? Why are you shaking your head?”

“Nothing. No reason.” She stayed tight lipped.

“We love you, honey. To be quite frank, I didn’t realize how much worse it could be until we brought you here and saw how some of the other patients acted with the staff. You don’t need to be locked up in a place with these types of people. We just wanted you to be more amenable. A bit easier to handle.” Her mother said.

Then her father spoke, “Really darling we don’t want to see you in here any longer. We’d like to take you home, but only if you’re willing to work with us.” Ariel’s blood was boiling at this point. “Work with you?” She repeated. “What kind of code is that. What you really want is to control me.” Ariel scoffed then continued. “Am I too difficult or are you two ready to retire from your job as parents?” Her voice was getting louder. “Nobody deserves to be in a place like this. Nobody deserves to be drugged so heavily they can’t remember their own name. Do you even know what goes one here? Like what actually goes on here?”  Two larger nurses entered the room. “My first night here, the strapped me to a chair and poured buckets of ice water over me until my lips were blue and I was too frozen to fight back! Those people you’re so scared of aren’t even crazy or at least they weren’t until they came here! This place drives people crazy! These ‘treatments’ are torture! Nobody deserves this!” She shouted those last words as the nurses grabbed her by the arms and began dragging her towards the door. She watched as the horrified looks on her parents faces faded into the distance.